The One I Can't Forsake Pt.4

Standing at the crossroads of decision, I find myself contemplating the path ahead with a sense of uncertainty. Should I invest my energy in repairing the damage caused by my previous actions, or should I adopt a more passive approach and allow the unfolding of events to guide me?

Ultimately, I don’t have to make a choice because she made it for me. All I ever wanted was the truth about why she continued talking to me and why she didn’t want me to leave the first two times. I needed to know her genuine intentions if I was going to stay, and that’s the truth she couldn’t provide. Yes, I had a couple of angles to approach her, but one was just a backup plan. I never really wanted to cut her off or fuck her. But honestly, both of those choices were the best things to do. To end things with her, even though it might make things more complicated. I was becoming too engrossed in the truth, leading me to develop feelings for her once more, which was causing more of an issue. I’ll probably miss her for a couple of weeks, maybe a month or two. I could always forsake her; I just didn’t want to. I loved the connection and toxic games we would play with each other.

Looks like I’m back stuck in this continuum cycle. Although I can break it, I always choose to go back to where I feel most comfort, and I don’t even know why I feel comfort from her anymore.

I actually feel like our bond, or whatever she’ll call it, is drastically worse than a month ago, even a couple of weeks ago. Honestly, it’s hard because I like her, but I know I don’t like her to the point of being in a relationship with her, but I like her more than a friend. Maybe a best friend, but to my discovery, I’m just a person she’s tolerating. I tend to stick around and wait whenever there's even a slight chance of her reverting to her previous behavior, but I fear that's not likely to happen in this situation. I said I’ll go with the flow, but if I do that, then we’ll just end up texting for a day or two, and she’ll stop texting back because she doesn’t want to be bothered with or just forgot or doesn’t want to talk to me, then we’ll never speak again because the flow ended. To be honest, that seems like the most promising option at the moment. I am fully committed to it, but if we don't communicate in the next 30 days, I will have to take charge and end things. I mean, she’s easily replaceable, but it just won’t be the same. This might truly be the end of her, which at this point I’m forcing myself to be okay with, even though it could’ve been or ended better.

If you have managed to reach this point, Joyce, which I doubt, but it could happen someday, know that I held a deep affection for you and the facade of ignorance you portrayed. My strong emotional attachment to you is what led us to where we are now. You make it seem like you want to stay friends but never once vocalize that, even though I see the signs. My emotions overwhelmed me, and I resorted to playing games in order to make you express your feelings. I attempted to adapt to your changing desires, starting with intimacy, then friendship, followed by intimacy again, and now back to friendship. I understand the concept of going with the flow, but your inconsistency and commitment issues made it difficult for me to engage in this back-and-forth dynamic, especially without clear communication about your true intentions.

Only if you had vocalized your feelings just a little bit, even a minute amount, I would never have been driven this far. It was your inconsistency or even your commitment issues that pushed me to a point of forsaking. It took four years, but I've finally been able to forsake the one I couldn't let go of to a certain degree. You're not gone indefinitely, but you'll never have the access and priority you once had. You'll never get that chance again.

We will remain friends who once shared a volatile past, shaped by intense emotions and experiences. Our journey was complicated, filled with toxic games and illusions of affection that have unraveled. Despite the misunderstandings and manipulations, we salvaged our commitment to each other as friends, transcending past amorous entanglements. The fact that we made a pact to always be there for each other, even if we weren't needed in each other's lives. While the memories of our past may linger, they serve as reminders of how far we’ve come and the lessons we've learned. In this way, we can cherish the good times we shared while recognizing that our true path now lies in the realm of friendship, where we can support each other without the complications of romantic expectations. This new chapter, while different from what we once had, holds the promise of genuine companionship that respects our individual journeys and boundaries. I'm forsaking the toxic woman and, according to our agreement, the true you to stay as long as no boundaries are violated.