Evolution Of Love

By Ry'shawn Winn

---

Growing up, my understanding of love was different from what it is today. I was aware of it, but didn't truly grasp its essence. I observed my parents expressing love to a certain degree and saw portrayals of what love "should be" in TV shows and movies. However, none of these matched what I would later come to comprehend. I perceived an illusion of love from my parents and accepted it. My father never taught me how to court a woman; in fact, he demonstrated the opposite, similar to some movies and songs. Disrespecting women, reducing them to stereotypes—you understand the idea. As a boy, witnessing this made it challenging to view women's treatment differently. Luckily, I was exposed to both sides of the love spectrum. Spending my teenage years with my grandparents provided a better foundation and example of love's expectations than I might have had otherwise, though it was still mixed with flawed notions, like cement with too much water. I learned the wrong way to love and respect a woman early on. I saw things I would never do or say to a woman. I was shown what not to do in courting, yet I was taught how to provide and protect. This was the ultimate meaning of being a man in a relationship. That was the extent of my understanding of love before my teenage years. Like many grandparents who have been together for over twenty years, they demonstrated what real love is. It's far different from the depictions in music and TV shows—more realistic, mature, and even rugged. It's not a fairytale, though it can feel like one at times; mostly, it's just "Love".

My first relationship wasn't very successful due to differing views on love. I wasn't fully present; perhaps being young contributed to this, but I was generally more mature for my age. I often heard people say, "You have an old soul," as if it were a compliment. In reality, I was more like a provider with an empty shell. Not entirely devoid of emotion, I could show love and affection occasionally, but not enough for a lasting commitment. I could only manage it sporadically, which is unfortunate because all those compliments about my maturity went to my head, making me believe I was the ideal partner for the young woman I was with. This was far from true. Although I was more mature than my peers, emotional maturity didn't match up. That's where I fell short, leading me to think I couldn't improve and was at my peak, but that was just a flawed foundation of love. My perception was shattered afterward; the concept of love broke down, and the foundation finally crumbled. This wasn't a negative outcome; in fact, it was the best part of the relationship. No long-term relationship could have endured on that foundation. The end of that relationship paved the way for a more resilient foundation, one I had been learning from my grandparents but never applied in that relationship.

It took years to identify the right foundation for this new chapter. I had to redefine love and reshape my understanding of it. Thankfully, I discovered how to build the enduring foundation my grandparents have, though it's not perfect. I found another woman to join me in testing the strength of this new base. I'm confident it will last because I've learned the formula. Initially, I was just a provider, barely able to give or receive love. In the years leading up to now, I had to rediscover love, starting with self-love. I didn't realize it when I was younger, but how could I love her if I didn't know how to love myself? Now I understand how I want to be loved, and that's the beginning of everything. With this understanding, I can start loving someone else. I also learned that it's more than just providing; I need to be emotionally mature and stable to build something meaningful, which I wasn't fully prepared for when I was younger. I realize now that it will be a continuous challenge with my partner to tackle issues that threaten our foundation. It will be difficult and sometimes tedious, but looking at my grandparents, that's the ultimate goal: to achieve success in a relationship. It's an ongoing battle requiring constant evolution of what I call love.