The Infection at Birth

You might wonder why someone like me seeks attention from certain people—those whose validation feels like a lifeline. It's not a constant craving, yet the frustration wells up when I feel invisible to them. This yearning likely traces back to my childhood, where I often found myself living in the shadow of my brother. Even in his absence, I felt his presence looming over me, a constant reminder of my perceived inadequacies. The sting of my mother occasionally calling me by his name haunts me still. Was it just a slip of the tongue, or did it reflect a deeper truth? Did she perhaps regret having me, or was he simply her favorite? I often questioned whether my resemblance to my father, a man she resented at times, played a role in her affections. Whatever the reason, it has left a profound mark on my life, shaping my desire for attention from others even when I know I shouldn't need it.

This longing intertwines with my other struggles, creating a tangled web of emotional turmoil. I find myself attaching too quickly and too deeply to people, a reflection of what I witnessed in my father’s relationships. The women in my life—the ones I love—were often treated poorly by him, and as a powerless child, I could only watch in silence. My mother and grandmother were trapped, unable to escape their circumstances, and I saw them remain broken yet clinging to the hope of change. Perhaps this is why I feel compelled to uplift the women around me.

There was a woman who simply longed to be loved. I saw her vulnerability and, in my eagerness to help, I became attached, believing I could fulfill her needs and bring her the happiness she deserved. But I was blinded by my own desires, failing to recognize that I was not in a position to mend her heart. Then there was another woman who seemed to seek a genuine friendship. I quickly became invested, offering her my support, yet the more I tried to be a good friend, the more she seemed to pull away. In my heart, I developed feelings for her, convinced she was my only ally in a world that felt overwhelmingly isolating. If only I hadn’t let my emotions run wild, perhaps I could have preserved that friendship.

It feels as if every time I see a flicker of hope in a woman’s life that I can improve, and if I happen to like her, I become ensnared in attachment. The inevitable disappointment that follows when things don’t unfold as I imagined is a painful reminder of my past. Many of the challenges I face today are rooted in those early experiences, and while I strive to confront these issues, I recognize there’s only so much one can do before learning to accept them.

Now, I’m learning to give myself permission not to respond to people immediately, to take a breath before diving headfirst into relationships. I endeavor to approach my feelings for women with more rationality, to avoid the trap of becoming too attached too quickly. Yet, despite my best efforts, I still find myself slipping into old patterns. It’s a journey, one filled with heartache and hope, as I work to untangle the threads of my past and build healthier connections in the present.